Going Deeper

I was excitedly engaged in an activity when I felt the warm dampness seeping into the fabric of my shirt. Hestitantly, I looked down to see a deep crimson stain forming near the location of my most recent surgery. I ripped my shirt open and my t-shirt was completely soaked with blood. I tore off the t-shirt to discover that my surgical wound had re-opened and blood was pouring out of it.

Then in a cold sweat, I woke up. Thank God, it was only a dream. I looked at my 10-day old surgical wound and everything was OK. Well, OK as it related to the surgical wound.

As you may or may not have noticed I haven't posted anything to my blog for the past three weeks. There are reasons--reasons which will become evident as you read this post. By the way, this will be longer than my other posts. I have some explaining to do, and besides, I have some time to make up for!

If I believed more in the power of dreams, perhaps I could ascribe some deep phsychological meaning to this dream I had. But since I don't, I'll simply settle for calling this dream an interesting harbinger of what was on my immediate horizon.

The last few weeks for me have been a time of restlessness, ache, longing, and "dis-ease." I can attribute this restlessness and "dis-ease" to a variety of factors. I had the above-mentioned surgery at the beginning of the month. That along with the subsequent doctor's visit was a painful reminder--both literally and figuratively--of how far I am from where I want to be physically. Then as I worked on my tax returns I was reminded of how much the past 12 months have impacted me financially. As I went through my receipts, I also had to handle all the paperwork from last year which reminded me about my termination from a job that I loved and was deeply passionate about. Again, another reminder of how far I am from where I want to be. Then there were additional reminders during the month of how far I am from where I want to be emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.

Yesterday I was reading from John Ortberg's book, "The Life You've Always Wanted," when I came across the following paragraphs. Humor me while I quote them.

"One of the most basic laws of life is rhythm. Night follows day, winter follows summer, we wake and we sleep.

"In spiritual life, the traditional language for this is rhythm. There will be times of consolation and times of desolation. In times of consolation we like to pray because God seems close, the Bible seems alive, sin looks bad, and stoplights all seem green. Times of desoloation are just the opposite: The Bible seems dry, prayer grows hard, and God is far away.

"C.S. Lewis noted that at times God will send us a strong sense of his presence, a desire to be with him, the ability to withstand temptations with ease.

"But he never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs--to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be.

"When we forget the law of rhythm, we assume that whatever phase is current will last forever. In times of consolation I mistakenly think that I now have spiritual life mastered. In times of desolation I assume I must have done something wrong, or perhaps God is punishing me. In truth, both seasons are inevitable, and both seasons can bring unique growth."

From what I've already said, you can guess which season I've been in for the past few weeks. It's not an easy season to be in, for the one experiencing it, as well as for those close to that person. But it's not an unusual season.

St. John of the Cross (1542-1591) referred to it as "the dark night of the soul." Mother Theresa experienced this "dark night of the soul" in her own life for quite a prolonged period of time following her call to establish the Sisters of Charity. I found this poem entitled "Friend, in the Desolate Time" at the end of an article describing her "dark night of the soul."

"Friend, in the desolate time, when your soul is enshrouded in darkness
When, in a deep abyss, memory and feeling die out,
Intellect timidly gropes among shadowy forms and illustions
Heart can no longer sigh, eye is unable to weep;
When, from your night-clouded soul the wings of fire have fallen
And you, to nothing, afraid, feel yourself sinking once more,
Say, who rescues you then?--Who is the comforting angel
Brings to your innermost soul order and beauty again,
Building once more your fragmented world, restoring the fallen
Altar, and when it is raised, lighting the sacred flame?--
None but the powerful being who first from the limitless darkness
Kissed to life seraphs and woke numberless suns to their dance.
None but the holy Word who called the worlds into existence
And in whose power the worlds move on their paths to this day.
Therefore, rejoice, oh friend, and sing in the darkness of sorrow:
Night is the mother of day, Chaos the neighbor of God."

--Erik Johan Stagnelius (translated from the Swedish by Bill Coyle

I wrote the following on a legal pad this morning as I was contemplating all of this.

"Maybe the point of the past 12 months is to have me in a place where I felt this intense longing for something more; something I would be tempted to gratify in other ways, but whose only satisfaction will be when I go deeper in my journey with God."

Bottom Line: I feel this desperate urge to go far deeper in my walk with God than I've ever gone before; deeper than I can possibly comprehend at this point. As I write this I'm fearful. Why? Because I know myself far too well. Will I stay the course, or will I be easily turned aside to other things that will short-circuit my heart's desires? There are those of you who know me well who have seen me in the good times (not very good) and in the bad times (worse than I want to admit). For those who have chosen to stick with me through good and bad, I can't begin to thank you enough. My weakness frightens me, and I pray God's grace will see me through the next steps of my journey.

Thanks for your prayers as I--by God's grace and His grace alone--go deeper.