Going Deeper

I was excitedly engaged in an activity when I felt the warm dampness seeping into the fabric of my shirt. Hestitantly, I looked down to see a deep crimson stain forming near the location of my most recent surgery. I ripped my shirt open and my t-shirt was completely soaked with blood. I tore off the t-shirt to discover that my surgical wound had re-opened and blood was pouring out of it.

Then in a cold sweat, I woke up. Thank God, it was only a dream. I looked at my 10-day old surgical wound and everything was OK. Well, OK as it related to the surgical wound.

As you may or may not have noticed I haven't posted anything to my blog for the past three weeks. There are reasons--reasons which will become evident as you read this post. By the way, this will be longer than my other posts. I have some explaining to do, and besides, I have some time to make up for!

If I believed more in the power of dreams, perhaps I could ascribe some deep phsychological meaning to this dream I had. But since I don't, I'll simply settle for calling this dream an interesting harbinger of what was on my immediate horizon.

The last few weeks for me have been a time of restlessness, ache, longing, and "dis-ease." I can attribute this restlessness and "dis-ease" to a variety of factors. I had the above-mentioned surgery at the beginning of the month. That along with the subsequent doctor's visit was a painful reminder--both literally and figuratively--of how far I am from where I want to be physically. Then as I worked on my tax returns I was reminded of how much the past 12 months have impacted me financially. As I went through my receipts, I also had to handle all the paperwork from last year which reminded me about my termination from a job that I loved and was deeply passionate about. Again, another reminder of how far I am from where I want to be. Then there were additional reminders during the month of how far I am from where I want to be emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.

Yesterday I was reading from John Ortberg's book, "The Life You've Always Wanted," when I came across the following paragraphs. Humor me while I quote them.

"One of the most basic laws of life is rhythm. Night follows day, winter follows summer, we wake and we sleep.

"In spiritual life, the traditional language for this is rhythm. There will be times of consolation and times of desolation. In times of consolation we like to pray because God seems close, the Bible seems alive, sin looks bad, and stoplights all seem green. Times of desoloation are just the opposite: The Bible seems dry, prayer grows hard, and God is far away.

"C.S. Lewis noted that at times God will send us a strong sense of his presence, a desire to be with him, the ability to withstand temptations with ease.

"But he never allows this state of affairs to last long. Sooner or later He withdraws, if not in fact, at least from their conscious experience, all those supports and incentives. He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs--to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish. It is during such trough periods, much more than during the peak periods, that it is growing into the sort of creature He wants it to be.

"When we forget the law of rhythm, we assume that whatever phase is current will last forever. In times of consolation I mistakenly think that I now have spiritual life mastered. In times of desolation I assume I must have done something wrong, or perhaps God is punishing me. In truth, both seasons are inevitable, and both seasons can bring unique growth."

From what I've already said, you can guess which season I've been in for the past few weeks. It's not an easy season to be in, for the one experiencing it, as well as for those close to that person. But it's not an unusual season.

St. John of the Cross (1542-1591) referred to it as "the dark night of the soul." Mother Theresa experienced this "dark night of the soul" in her own life for quite a prolonged period of time following her call to establish the Sisters of Charity. I found this poem entitled "Friend, in the Desolate Time" at the end of an article describing her "dark night of the soul."

"Friend, in the desolate time, when your soul is enshrouded in darkness
When, in a deep abyss, memory and feeling die out,
Intellect timidly gropes among shadowy forms and illustions
Heart can no longer sigh, eye is unable to weep;
When, from your night-clouded soul the wings of fire have fallen
And you, to nothing, afraid, feel yourself sinking once more,
Say, who rescues you then?--Who is the comforting angel
Brings to your innermost soul order and beauty again,
Building once more your fragmented world, restoring the fallen
Altar, and when it is raised, lighting the sacred flame?--
None but the powerful being who first from the limitless darkness
Kissed to life seraphs and woke numberless suns to their dance.
None but the holy Word who called the worlds into existence
And in whose power the worlds move on their paths to this day.
Therefore, rejoice, oh friend, and sing in the darkness of sorrow:
Night is the mother of day, Chaos the neighbor of God."

--Erik Johan Stagnelius (translated from the Swedish by Bill Coyle

I wrote the following on a legal pad this morning as I was contemplating all of this.

"Maybe the point of the past 12 months is to have me in a place where I felt this intense longing for something more; something I would be tempted to gratify in other ways, but whose only satisfaction will be when I go deeper in my journey with God."

Bottom Line: I feel this desperate urge to go far deeper in my walk with God than I've ever gone before; deeper than I can possibly comprehend at this point. As I write this I'm fearful. Why? Because I know myself far too well. Will I stay the course, or will I be easily turned aside to other things that will short-circuit my heart's desires? There are those of you who know me well who have seen me in the good times (not very good) and in the bad times (worse than I want to admit). For those who have chosen to stick with me through good and bad, I can't begin to thank you enough. My weakness frightens me, and I pray God's grace will see me through the next steps of my journey.

Thanks for your prayers as I--by God's grace and His grace alone--go deeper.

The Things We Do For Love

And now for the rest of the story...Oops! That's Paul Harvey's line, isn't it?

When I left you last, I had shared with you the story of helping my son to tie his tie by using a computer cord to simulate a tie. But there are some other lessons I want to draw from this story.

After my son's dancing date with his girlfriend (my wife and I love her too!), we were sent pictures of the two of them on their date. Here's my son's beautiful girlfriend sitting next to this handsome young man (my son) wearing a tie. I looked at the picture to see how well the knot on the tie came out using simple phone instructions. Not bad! Then I noticed what a wonderful couple they are. Finally, I noticed that my son was wearing a pink tie.

Now, understand, I have nothing against males wearing pink. I have a pink dress shirt and a pink tie in my own wardrobe. But what was amazing to me was this: My son is Mr. Casual when it comes to fashion. Unlike his father who dresses more formally for occasions such as church (I love ties, by the way), my son prefers wearing jeans or khakis with an open collar. I have no problem with this. But here was my son, of his own free will, choosing to wear a tie! Why? Because he loves his girlfriend and would even wear a tie--a pink tie, at that--to please her. Now, I doubt very much if I had asked him to wear a pink tie to church, for example, that he would have done that. But it's amazing what we will do when we're motivated by love.

Which brings me to a couple of passages from the Bible. Look at what Jesus was motivated to do by love. "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." Romans 5:6-8.

Paul tells us that before we were even inclined to respond to Christ positively--because He was motivated by love--He chose to die for us. Why? It was a simple choice because He loves us.

Here's how Jesus Himself described this love in John 15:13, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." Love provides the motivation for doing some things that we probably wouldn't do otherwise.

One final text before I wrap this up. "We love because he first loved us." 1 John 4:19.

Jesus loved us first, and He showed His love by His willingness to die on our behalf. And because He first loved us, it motivates us to love Him in return. When we begin to grasp the reality of how much He loves us, it's amazing what that will motivate us to do.

So during this next week, I want to encourage you to just think about how much you are loved by God. He loves you so very much, He was willing to die for you. And as you let that reality sink in, think about what you might do to show Him that you also love Him in return.

Ah, yes: The things we do for love!

In His Hands

Last Sunday evening my daughter called me with an important SOS--my youngest son was desperately trying to get in touch with me. What was the emergency? He had a "hot" date of swing dancing with his girlfriend that night that required him to wear a tie and he couldn't remember how to tie it.

I had just arrived at the church for a meeting, so I ducked into my office, called him in his dorm room and tried walking him through the steps of tying a tie. I'm not sure if it was the time crunch we were both feeling to get him out the door and to his date, or whether it was because I didn't actually have a tie in my hands as I was trying to instruct him over the phone, but we weren't doing so well. I was beginning to feel the failure as I quickly surveyed my office. I was looking for anything I could use to simulate a tie so I could be certain that all my directions to my son over the phone made sense.

Then I spied it! There on a cart in my office was a computer cord. I grabbed it and placed it around my neck like a tie. It was almost the right length too! So with my cell phone balanced between my shoulder and ear I began to tie the computer cord as I would the finest silk tie. Now I was certain the directions I was giving my son made sense. Soon the computer cord was tied around my neck and my son in his dorm room assured me that now his tie was tied correctly around his neck and he could be on his way to dance with his girlfriend.

This incident reminded me of God's ability to use us, by the power of His grace, to do some powerful things for His kingdom. Notice some verses from 2 Corinthians 4. "Therefore, since through God's mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart...For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord...But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us."

You see, when we're in God's hands, He can take the most ordinary of people and do amazing things--not because we're amazing, but because of the power of His grace.

In His hands a donkey can be used to send a message to a wayward man.

In His hands a little boy like Sameul can be used to guide a nation.

In His hands a young woman like Esther can intervene to save peoples lives.

In His hands a murderer like Moses can become a great leader.

In His hands a man filled with fear like Gideon can deliver his people from oppression.

In His hands a traitor like Peter can lead thousands to Christ in a single day.

Do you ever feel somewhat ordinary and of not much use or value? That's OK, because it's not about who you are, but about who God is! Imagine what God can do through you by the power of His grace when you're in His hands!